Defend Your House 'Home Alone' Style
Home Alone has always been our favourite Christmas movie. However, this year we've decided that watching it just isn't enough anymore. We want to take our love for Home Alone to the next level. "How do you plan on doing that?" we hear you ask. Well, we're going to channel the spirit of young Kevin and recreate the film for real. Using painstaking research and complex algorithms we've calculated just how effective our vast collection of gifts would be at thwarting burglars.
The age old question has finally been answered. Could you defend yourself Home Alone style using only the gifts from our site? Let's find out shall we:
The Rocking Party
One of the best scenes from the film (in our opinion), is the scene where Rockin' around the Christmas tree blares out and Kevin is the party puppet-master pulling the strings of his cardboard VIPs. Despite more than half of the guests being lifeless mannequins it still looks like a bangin' party. Not only that but it works: the burglars don't go anywhere near the house… very clever.
When it comes to this ingenious ploy we've got it covered. Our Terrible T-Rex Head would cast a fine silhouette to trick the burglars. Plus it has the added bonus of making thieves believe you've got a real-life dinosaur in your house, just waiting to attack. We can't think of anything much scarier than that!
GIFT:
Make a Dinosaur - Terrible T-Rex Head
VERDICT:
All we'd need is some string and some loud music and it would work a treat.
DEFENCE RATING:
8/10
The Firecrackers in the Pan
Remember this? Of course you do. One of the bad guys is snooping around Kevin's house so he decides to scare them away using a clip from 1938 gangster film 'Angels With Filthy Souls' and firecrackers.
We've scoured our website but unfortunately we don't sell firecrackers. I know, we're as shocked as you are. We do, however, sell a Big Bang Rocket Outdoor Toy. It may not pack as much of a loud punch as Kevin's weapon of choice but we're confident it'd be loud enough to scare the postman away.
GIFT:
Big Bang Rocket Outdoor Toy
VERDICT:
Our rocket isn't as loud as Kevin's firecrackers but it'd definitely scare off the paper boy or the neighbour's cat.
DEFENCE RATING:
5/10
The Toy Cars on the Floor
Ahh, cars on the floor. Simple but effective, it's a classic Kevin booby trap. Standing on toy cars has got to be more dangerous and way more painful than standing on a piece of stray Lego. And we all know that's bad enough.
We inspected our vast vaults and found some Flip Trux Cars that would work brilliantly as dangerous floor traps. They're battery operated and zoom about on their own accord too which is something Kevin's didn't have. Actually, come to think of it we may have even just upgraded this particular booby trap?
GIFT:
Flip Trux Cars
VERDICT:
More than adequate replacements for Kevin's toys. We've definitely got this one covered.
DEFENCE RATING:
5/10
The Blowtorch to the Head
Kevin is a master of booby traps and this particular one proves why. Attaching a string to a blowtorch, before putting the blowtorch on top of the door and tying the string to the handle. Who else would have thought of such a cunning trap?
We struggled to think of any of our gifts that could singe the head of Joe Pesci to such an extent. We very nearly gave up until somebody pointed out that we do sell Hand Warmers. Okay, okay, they don't heat up to 600 degrees Fahrenheit but they do get hot enough to fight off frost bite, and that's just about good enough for us.
GIFT:
VERDICT:
Just not hot enough to burn anyone. If anything, these hand warmers would entice would-be burglars to come in and warm their cockles by the fire, but hey, at least we tried.
DEFENCE RATING:
1/10
The Squashed Decorations
Forget the burning door handle. This is definitely the most painful of all Kevin's traps. Imagine the pain of standing on an upright plug, a stray piece of Lego, and some toy cars, then multiply that pain by at least three… that's how much this hurts.
Our Christmas Decorations would be great for this. You could even write a message for the intruder like 'Merry Christmas Ya Filthy Animal' and it'll be the last thing they see before their foot crashes down and thousands of sharp bauble splinters enter their delicate soles.
GIFT:
VERDICT:
Our baubles are equally as effective as the McCallisters'. We even have the added bonus of adding a message to ours if we were so inclined.
DEFENCE RATING:
10/10
The Air Gun
Kevin steals the air gun from his older brother Buzz and it's put to very good use. Not only does he have fun shooting toy soldiers but he also shoots the burglars right in the crown jewels and the face. Ouch.
We looked through our gifts and found a few contenders that could replace Kevin's air gun. After a small debate we decided our Desktop Duck Shot would be the best gun to be armed with. Ever felt the sting of a fired rubber band to the skin? It gives us shivers just thinking about it. Forget 2 burglars, this little gun would easily hold off 3, 4 or 5 from entering your house.
GIFT:
VERDICT:
Maybe not as powerful as the air gun but the sting alone would be good enough to keep you safe.
DEFENCE RATING:
9/10
The Tarantula
Most people would rather take an air gun shot to the face, a burn to the hand, and a bauble to their bare foot before they even got near a tarantula. That's why this creepy 8-legged critter is a key part of Kevin's defensive arsenal.
We sell a lot of things at Find Me a Gift but we most definitely do not sell live arachnids. (Thank heavens). Not to worry though because we do have a Salt Water Powered Spider that walks and looks like a tarantula… but, importantly, isn't a real one! Intruders wouldn't know that though and that's why we think this salty spider would work rather well.
GIFT:
Salt Water Powered Spider
VERDICT:
It's a spider that runs on salt water. Just top it up and let it wander around petrifying all arachnophobes. Oh, and it isn't real. It gets a bonus point for that.
DEFENCE RATING:
7/10
The Feather Plume
Where most people would just see a fan and a feather-filled pillow Kevin instead sees opportunity. He sets this trap up and executes it expertly turning Joe Pesci into a walking and talking man-sized chicken.
Bear with us here. I know we're scraping the barrell but this trap CAN be redone with our gifts. Here's how: Take a small bag of feathers from our Dreamcatchers and combine them with our Handheld Fart Fan. Ta Da! You may not stop anybody in their tracks but it'll momentarily confuse them as small feathers slowly float towards their face.
GIFT:
VERDICT:
Not even half as effective as Kevin's booby trap but would confuse a burglar. In that sense it does have some defensive merit.
DEFENCE RATING:
2/10
The Delicious Pizza
Pizza features heavily throughout the film, so much so that it's hard not to get big cheesy pizza cravings whenever you watch it. A pedant would probably say something along the lines of "At no point will pizza help you to defend your home". To which we reply "Yeah, but it gives you energy to help defend your home and it's delicious".
Instead of phoning a pizza joint we've decided that our Rotating Pizza Maker could be put to good use. Homemade cheesy pizza whenever it takes your fancy? Yes please. Not having to worry about tipping the pizza boy? Yes please.
GIFT:
Rotating Pizza Maker
VERDICT:
Pizza won't stop anybody from entering your home but it will give you the much needed energy to help defend your home. And pizza is amazing.
DEFENCE RATING:
0/10
The Ice Cream Fest
Kevin does what any 8 year old would with freedom of the house would do; he gorges on ice-cream and watches TV. We're not sure whether we've learned from Kevin's example or not but we like to do the same. Again, like the pizza, it has no defensive merit but it's important to get all the calories you can before the gruelling task of booby trapping the house begins.
Our Shake N Make Ice Cream Maker is just the ticket to make tons of ice cream. You can shake and eat until your arms fall off or your stomach bursts, whichever comes first.
GIFT:
Shake N Make Ice Cream Maker
VERDICT:
You could make as much Ice Cream as Kevin eats and more. Be careful of brain freeze though. You can't defend a house with brain freeze.
DEFENCE RATING:
0/10
If two bumbling burglars were snooping around outside your house and you were certain they wanted to break in - we could help. Our overall defensive score is 53/100 which means you could recreate some of Kevin's best traps (badly) and protect your home using just the gifts on our site.* So now you can sleep easy. Right, we're off to watch Home Alone again.
*While we can't guarantee any of our traps would actually work, we can guarantee the pizza and ice cream would taste very good.