By: Faye Smith

Forget the same old “Happy Birthday” or “Wishing you all the best” when thinking of birthday messages for your friend, colleague, parent or love of your life. They’re going to read tonnes of the same old thing which is why we bring you a page filled with funny birthday wishes instead. From the rude to the sarcastic and everything in-between, we’re certain you’ll find funny birthday card messages to suit your unique taste. You can pretend you came up with whichever one you choose yourself. We’re not exactly going to tell them, are we?

Cheeky birthday wishes

  1. Now that you’re another year older, are you going to grow up a little?
  2. You don’t need a gift from me. I am the gift.
  3. Enjoy unwrapping your birthday gift. That would be me. I am the gift.
  4. Another year has passed and I’m still younger than you.
  5. You’re not getting any younger.
  6. We make such a great team—me with my good looks, charm, and intelligence, and you with your ability to be such a great friend to me. Happy birthday!
  7. Not gonna lie, I’m only here for the cake!
  8. Facebook reminded me it was your birthday, so Happy Birthday!
  9. You would have loved your birthday present I didn’t buy you.
  10. Happy birthday to the funniest, sexiest, classiest person I know. Wait, that’s me.

Rude (but hilarious) birthday wishes

  1. Many people age like fine wine. Unfortunately, you’re not one of them.
  2. Older, wiser, still a d*ck.
  3. Have a f*cking incredible birthday!
  4. Sh*t, you’re old.
  5. I hope you celebrate your birthday the same way you came into it – naked and screaming!
  6. Sh*t just got real. Real grey. Real wrinkly. Real saggy.
  7. Happy birthday Saggy T*ts!
  8. I’ve met some tw*ts in my time, but you my friend a Tw*t Royalty.
  9. Birthday… I don’t give a f*ck if it’s happy.
  10. Old enough to know better. Too young to give a f*ck.

Sarcastic and witty birthday messages

  1. Another year older, unfortunately none the wiser.
  2. Congratulations on another year of not being dead.
  3. For the person who has it all and still can’t keep their priorities in check, happy birthday.
  4. Hope you don’t let your age stop you from having fun
  5. You’re still here! Congrats.
  6. Wishing you the most insincere happy birthday
  7. It is scientifically proven that people who have more birthdays live longer
  8. Of course you’re amazing, you hang out with me.
  9. Want a special birthday Netflix and Chill sesh?
  10. Hope you have the worst birthday in the world.

Old birthday card jokes

  1. Age is just a number, but yours is pretty big.
  2. I wish I could figure out how old you are, but I hate long maths.
  3. Happy birthday to someone who can remember MySpace.
  4. Act your age. Do you need a cane and Zimmer frame?
  5. Are you eligible for your bus pass yet?
  6. You finally got your head together and now your body is falling apart!
  7. Make a wish! No, you can’t turn back time.
  8. You’re going to need two birthday cakes, you’re that old.
  9. I’m afraid to say you can’t blame your age for pure idiocy now.
  10. I am here to mourn the loss of your youth. RIP.

Or, you could send nice birthday messages instead of funny birthday wishes in your card, if you want to be the same as everyone else.